ummmm.....

so it's been a while and im not really sure how often you check my blog, but yeah. right now im having sinus problems, well basically i have alot of snot comming out of my nose, not because im sick but because i have water in my sinuses because of a choice i made which now has negative consequences on my body. so yes, i'm sitting on my bed in my room listening to lifehouse with a box of tissues and a trash can next to me. im not really sure what i want to do with my life. i always just knew as a kid that i was going to be a famous actor and make lots of money and live an easy life, but the more i talk with the Father the more i know that that's not what he wants for me. so my question is what now? when i look at all the clothes in my closet it's almost like i dont even know who i am i have nice clothes, dressy and casual and then i have things like my loungy pants and tshirts and there's not really anything that i favor. when i look at my itunes i have "christian" music and "secular" music i have country, rock, and musical theatre music and again there's not one that i favor. it's like my preferences are one jumbled, mesh of stuff, making it extreemly difficult to figure out what path would be best suited for me. my interests are strange too, i enjoy any form of education but i also have an insane TV addiction. even my room wont make up it's mind on the outside it seems normal but on the inside it's this insane combination of vibrant colors and patterns. I would like to be a missionary, but at the same time i think that my life should speak for itself that i shouldnt be paid to live my life for Jesus but that it should be something that i just do. I DONT KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! really my mother only thinks that we have less than 40 years until the end of the world. she says that with confidence. honestly i cant see the world ending and ceasing to exist in less than 40 years. if it does than nothing that happens now will matter. the predicament of dealing with my math teacher will be irrelevent then. at the same time i feel cheated why do my parents get to live a long life, but i only get to live 45 years of my life which brings the question of do i procreate? because then they would get to live an even shorter life. i dont get time to goof around and figure out my priorities. they have to be figured out now so that my life though short can be a full one. at the same time every choice i make, though it may seem irrelevent actually is not because every event affects another, large or small it all affects the web of life, if one string is not strung then the next must be strung differently than was planned before, changing the masterpiece, at the same time the creator of the master peice would know that that one string would not be strung and so though he still gives the chance for it to be strung he has a plan for the masterpiece and it will still come out beautiful, perhaps even more so than if the string had been strung. which brings the question of "if the creator knew that some of the strings in the masterpiece wouldnt be strung did he even origionally plan on them being strung or in his knowledge did he count them a loss from the beginning, planning the materpiece around their absence?"